Stress Education Center - Dstress.com Newsletter

"Dedicated to serving by providing information, products, and services to create awareness and then offer control of stress and the process of change."

In this issue:

1. Introduction and Welcome

2. Stress Management Tip of the Month: Being Present/Breathing

3. Communication and Stress: Part II

4. Article: Connections... Support

5. Products of the Month: Stress Management for Sleep

6. Thank you

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1. Introduction of the Stress Education Center's - Dstress.com Newsletter

A special thank you to all the new readers who have signed up to receive our newsletter. This is a small milestone. It is our 20th newsletter and I hope that it will be of service to you.

December, 2003 Bulletin:

The Holidaze are here again. Almost every year, at this time, we begin to be pressured to do things we have avoided all year long. We can spend too much money. We can eat or drink too much. We visit with people (family and friends) that we have successfully avoided all year. We have to travel... We have to shop in crowded stores. Even if we choose to not celebrate, we are bombarded by social pressures to be festive. Even if we love the holiday traditions, we are still stretched by the seasonal activities in our limited time.

Please make time to take good care of yourself. Plan time to relax/rest, exercise, and to eat as well as you can (consider moderation). If possible, control the expectations that we can feel pressured to achieve. Stay in the present, take a deep breath, and learn to set healthy limits.

By the way, thank you for all the positive feedback from past newsletter issues. We really appreciate your feedback and input.

As I requested in the most recent past newsletter:

Stop for a minute in whatever busy place you are, take one deep breath, relax your shoulders, your forehead, and your jaw. Put the news into perspective. React but do not over-react. Be present...enjoy the moment! And please, take good care of yourself.

Thanks for reading

L. John Mason, Ph.D.

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2. Stress Management Tip of the Month: Be Present...Breathe

The two best stress management tools you can use are also two of the easiest. You can use these techniques to manage your increasing stress levels or, even better, you can use these techniques to prevent stress from building into distracting symptoms.

A. Be present!
Find the way back into your body in the present moment. Do not dwell on experiences from the past or fret too much with the unknowns of the future. Look for a positive physical response such as relaxation of your arms or a slowing heart-rate. This takes practice. To do this use the second technique.

B. Breathe!
Get back into your body by taking 3 deep slow breaths. Pause after you inhale for a moment. Then exhale fully and completely. You may actually benefit from imagining that as you exhale, the warm breath that you release, carries away tensions or distractions or even discomforts. These 3 breaths take only 30 seconds but help you to relax your face (forehead and jaw) and your shoulders. These 3 breaths can help you to slow down so you can concentrate better and make fewer mistakes.

I have had many coaching clients tell me that this simple strategy is one of the most powerful tools that they can use to get through their days. To make time to practice these techniques, they will associate the breathing with a re-occurring activity that they find at work. This may include taking a deep breath when: the telephone rings, the computer screen needs to change or be saved, they check their clock/watch, they come to a slow down in traffic (as they drive,) they are interrupted, they reach for a pen/pencil, or they check their e-mail. Find the best way to remind yourself to take those deep, slow breaths.

One client said that this simple technique worked in only one week to prevent daily, re-occurring work-related tension headaches. This not only minimized the pain but it also enhanced focus and communication.

I guarantee that if you use these brief techniques, regularly, you will notice a substantial difference within 4-6 weeks. My father used to say that if you follow this advice and use it daily for 120 years, you would live a long time. (He was famous for using the 120 year comment.) But seriously, this simple tip can save you lots of wear and tear.

Good luck and good health!

For information, audio stress management tapes, books, on-line stress management courses (a thermometer and audio tapes/CD's are included in the materials for this program), or coaching contact L. John Mason, Ph.D. through the Stress Education Center.

For more tips on what you can do to get back in control of your responses when you are stressed, use the tips from the article "ten timely tips" at www.dstress.com/10-tips.htm. These are very useful. Let me know what you think.

Along the way, do not forget to take good care of yourself!

Good Health!
L. John Mason, Ph.D.

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3. Communication and Stress, Part 2 (part 1 in the last newsletter)

This is the second article of a series of contributions regarding the impact of communication on organizational and personal stress. (Your input is welcome. Examples of issues and solutions are both requested.)

Remember, the things that are the most stressful are the things that you care the most about but can not control!

The most important thing that you can remember about effective communication relates to the least noisy communication technique there is... This extremely important technique, which requires practice, is the skill of listening! Old joke: "Why do you have two ears and only one mouth?" Answer: "Because you are supposed to listen twice as much!"

Really listening is more difficult that than it appears. In communication, the engaged parties have to really want to communicate. They must find time to communicate. They must reduce or eliminate distractions. They must agree to allow the speaker to speak, without interruption, if at all possible. An engaged listener is involved in "active listening." Making eye contact with the speaker and acknowledgment for the speaker are a must! Clear your mind of extra thoughts, including what you answer/response will be.
Ask clarifying questions. Restate the main points. AND, No put-downs!

Additionally, it is great when you can offer to relate to the emotional expressions that have been shared with you by relating your own past experience. (This is to establish rapport.) You do not have to agree but you do have to really listen to the speaker's feelings. Even "body language" is a huge part of communication. Communication experts often say that the words are only about 10% of the communication. Body language, tones of voice, listening skills, even observing attitudes are by far the majority of a communication.

Have you ever felt disrespected when your partner in the communication did not make eye contact with you as you spoke or they appear very distracted by their own internal processing. This can create barriers to good communication.

Timing is everything! Do not launch into an important communication without determining that the time is mutually convenient. Too many important communications fall apart when one party can not wait for an appropriate time and place for information to be conveyed. A lot can get lost or can be unappreciated, so setting the scene is very important. You may even need to request that no calls or interruptions will interfere with a truly significant communication. Yelling, swearing, and blaming build walls that are difficult to effectively communicate through.

Many times your partner does not really want to participate! This is stressful and often beyond your control. If it is really important to you, you must negotiate to find the best time and place to deal with a difficult subject. Overcoming denial and resistance is a real test and has to be done masterfully. Many times a therapist, trained mediator, or communication coach must help referee an important communication in difficult situations.

Practice listening, without interrupting!

In future newsletters we will examine other factors related to increasing your ability to be effective in communication. Your experiences and your questions will be appreciated. More in the future.....

Thank you.

Along the way, please take good care of yourself.

Send me your comments regarding what strategies you believe work for your self-care and how you most benefit from regular self-care practices.

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4. Article: Connections - Support and Stress: (revisited)

In recent newsletters, I have discussed the importance of communication and the impact of poor communication on individual and organizational levels of stress. More basic than this is the need to connect effectively with people. Obviously, communication difficulties, contribute to poor connections and lead to increased stress and poor performance. At the core of this issue is the innate desire to make connection for support, protection, and potential growth of the community. By "connection," I mean relating well with another person or group of people, where this relationship can include concern, nurturing, support, or a demonstration of care. It can be any combination of: emotional, intellectual, spiritual, or physical, and shows a sharing in some personal way.

Many people have not had good models of positive, "healthy" relationships. Other people have not been taught the skills for connecting. And still others, for personal reasons (based on negative past experience) choose to sabotage their relationships and the relationships of people around them. This happens at home and at work, and everywhere in between.

Our work is often one of the best sources of interaction. Most of us work 8 hours per day and five days per week. We often spend more time with the people we work with than with our families. People develop connections to their self-esteem or they define themselves through success at work. Since interactions at work are the feedback we get from the time and efforts we put in to our work, this can be a "make it or break it" situation as it relates to our self-esteem. This requires managers and work-team peers to be respectful in offering feedback, especially where the performance could or should be at a higher level. Increasing isolation at work does not bode well for the long-term retention of personnel. Inclusion and positive interactions, on a regular basis, are required. This includes public praise and acknowledgment, even when you think that the person already knows that they have performed well. (Be aware that humor and, especially, sarcasm can be misinterpreted by a stressed out or highly sensitive co-worker. This can lead to more problems rather the light hearted laugh that it was supposed to create.)

People suffering from poor or non-existent healthy interaction with other people can suffer from a range of physical and emotional symptoms. These might include: depression, poor performance, panic/anxiety, chronic back pain, poor sleep, substance abuse (including: alcohol, drugs, tobacco, caffeine, food, etc.) stomach disorders, low libido, high blood pressure, even cancer (due to loss of a loved one or lack of a source of love.)

In primitive times, our fragile, but developing ancestors, needed to band together for hunting and protection. In the modern world, these primitive needs may seem somewhat removed for most of us in a "civilized" world, but there is added pressure to connect socially, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, romantically, and even financially. Most of us would wither in health and quality of life without intimacy with other people. We need family, friends, teachers, and partners at work. Remember our need for others is linked to reduced self-sufficiency and reliance on products and services that other people produce.

Things go wrong in our attempts to "connect." We do not feel "whole" when we do not have support. People get very stressed when they feel "alone." Our society seems to move us more into cubicles and isolation by reducing experience where interaction with other people is face-to-face. E-mail, for example, is preferred to telephone calls or visits which can require social graces and non-business interaction.

Physical interaction, though desired, seems to be reduced by fears of inappropriate behaviors or actions. Our skills of communication decrease as we interact with computer screens, e-mails, and PDA's instead of people.

Stress management and wellness often requires us to reduce noise and interactions so that we can focus on the process of internally quieting to regain levels of calmness. But stress management and wellness also require that most of us have positive connection and interaction with caring people.

If you find "relationship" is lacking or unsatisfied in your life, you may want to examine alternatives that provide positive human interaction. Volunteering in your community may be a great source of positive interaction. One of my friends visits weekly with an elderly person (not a relative) to provide some balance and positive connection in his life. Both of these people profit from the few minutes that they spend together. Church activities, coaching in youth sports, teaching reading in schools, community involvement, team sports, group activities (hiking, hobbies, fund raising) and many other activities can provide the opportunities to connect with other people.

The excuse many people use for not doing these activities is that they do not have the time or energy. You must make the time to connect and you will find that energy comes to you when you effectively connect in positive ways. Please try to connect for yourself and support others who need this in their lives. Do not neglect your relationships with friends. These require encouragement, investments in time and energy, and your motivated desire to maintain these important interactions. Even when you feel wounded and want to withdraw, I encourage you to attempt to connect with positive people and situations in your environment which offer you support and help you to move forward in the most positive ways.

Remember, you can not control the way other people respond. You can only control the way you respond to the experiences that you may have. In relationships, timing is very important. What may be good timing for you may not the best time for your partner. Try not to take a perceived rejection of your attempt at relating too seriously. It may not be you at all, but poor timing. Never stop trying to find the best situation for connection and work to make every existing relationship even better.

One powerful technique that can be used both on the job and at home is to offer a sincere compliment to your family, friends, co-workers, even your clients. The secret is in the sincerity. It is obvious that an appropriate, sincere compliment makes a person feel good and it also adds in positive ways to the sender. More importantly, it establishes positive experiences than can set off a powerful, positive chain reaction that will spread through the work group, family, or organization. Try it! Offer a sincere, appropriate compliment to those around you 3 times per day for one week. See what can happen!

In future newsletters we will examine other factors related to increasing your ability to be effective in communication. Your experiences and your questions will be appreciated. More in the future....

Since 1978, the Stress Education Center has provided consulting and training services for individuals and organizations. The books, tapes, training seminars, on-line courses, and executive coaching have assisted thousands of motivated business people to improve their performance and enhance the quality of their lives.

I hope that this article offers you useful information.
Along the way, do not forget to take good care of yourself!

Good Health!
L. John Mason, Ph.D.